how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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