Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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