Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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