i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
