Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
