you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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