I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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