I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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