It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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