I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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