we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
