i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
