Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
