I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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