Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
