Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
