so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
