I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
