Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
