hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
