She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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