toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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