the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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