I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
