I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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