I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
