i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
