I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
