i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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