I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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