At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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