I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
