remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
