I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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