Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
