if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
