why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
