I'm really into asian looking animals
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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