How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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