you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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