even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
