just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
