The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
