The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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