Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
