I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
