I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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