I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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