I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
