I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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